Fools

“There are certain people fated to be fools; they not only commit follies by choice, but are even constrained to do so by fortune.” -Francois De La Rochefoucauld

I know fools of this nature, pity is all I feel for them.

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I Am

I am a liar, I am dishonest because I wont tell you everything?
I am stupid, I am ridiculous and naive because sometimes I am wrong?
I am ugly because my face isn’t perfect and I am simple?
I am a pushover I am too immature because I like making people happy?
I am a loser, I am a loner because I am not friend within your group?
I am fake, I am manipulative and materialistic because I am too nice, too kind?
I am weird, I am different, I am strange because I am not like you?
I am greedy because I eat when I’m hungry?
I am clingy, I am needy because I don’t like to be alone?
I am insecure, I am childlike because I care about what people think of me?
I am no fun because I’m not always hyper, I do not understand or tell jokes?
I am stubborn, I am arrogant because I have self-respect?
I am boring, I am dull because I read and study a lot?

Do not tell me who I am, because I am who I am and I already know who I am!

Best wishes,
Maahi PM

Live everyday, die just once

We have been gifted with one life. This life we must live everyday come rain or shine. How we choose to live it is our choice, because rain and shine will come no matter what. It is our perception, attitude, behaviour and actions which determines how much we have actually lived. We LIVE our one gifted life everyday according to choices. We do not live just once, we live everyday we choose to. We die just one time.

My Bucket List

I never imagined that I would make a bucket list of the things that I want to do over the span of my life. I was never sure what I would add or what I really wanted to do even. Most people make a bucket list of things they wish to do for themselves over their lifetime but mine contains many things I wish to do with and for others. It’s what makes me most happiest to know I’ve done things for others which makes a real difference for them now and in the future. Lets see, I do hope I have the opportunity to do these things. This is pretty long and some items on the list have been achieved already which I have highlighted.

  • Swim with dolphins – preferably in Florida.
  • Hold a snake
  • Skydive and raise money for a charity
  • Get a tattoo of Lord Shiva
  • Go on a Police ride along
  • Hold and feed a tiger cub – a childhood dream for me. I love and I mean absolutely love tiger cubs and this is one wish that I will complete at some point during my life.
  • Swim with turtles – I love turtles I think they are the most magnificent creatures in the water and swimming with them would be fabulous.
  • Milk a cow – my mum did this a great deal when she was younger and I remember her telling me how much fun it can be. This is one experience that I really do want to have under my belt.
  • Hold a tarantula – considering I’m absolutely petrified of spiders, this one will take real guts and courage!
  • Feed a koala bear
  • Bath an elephant
  • Stand under a waterfall
  • Kiss my husband in the rain
  • Climb to the top of a tree
  • Watch the sunrise & sunset in one day with my family
  • Learn to ride a horse
  • Horseback ride on the beach – ok I’ve done this one already back in 2004 when I went to India. It was a nice experience, so good that I want to do it again at a different location!
  • Ride in a horse & carriage with my husband
  • Roll in a huge pile of leaves – I’m still a child at heart!!
  • Sleep in a stable on a haystack
  • Receive a fan letter after completing a good deed
  • Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger
  • Meet someone famous – done this already. I met Gurdas Maan many years ago back stage after his concert. A nice person although the interaction between us was very short. I even had a photograph taken, I just can’t seem to find it!
  • Surprise someone less fortunate than myself with something they really need, want and deserve
  • Plan a date night with my husband
  • Leave my mark in graffiti
  • Climb an indoor rock wall
  • Write a thank you letter to a company that treated me well
  • Learn archery
  • Fly kites with children in Africa
  • Ride a Camel
  • Drive a tractor
  • Send flowers to someone who’s lonesome
  • Drive a race car
  • Test drive a convertible sports car
  • Go in a submarine
  • Visit a butterfly sanctuary
  • Meditate more often – I do this already but must do it regularly
  • Write a love letter to my husband
  • Donate toys to an orphanage in a third world country
  • Make a significant change in someone’s life
  • Explore a rain forest
  • Go to an aquarium
  • Donate clothing to countries and people most in need
  • Entertain the elderly at a nursing home
  • Tour a lighthouse
  • Go on a safari
  • Stay in an underwater hotel
  • Be a mentor to a less fortunate child
  • Write a love note on the bathroom mirror for my husband
  • Cover the bed in rose petals
  • Organise a family portrait
  • Give blood
  • Plant trees
  • Build a garden with lots of colourful flowers
  • Build a house for a less fortunate family in India and Africa
  • Be an organ donor – done this one! It took a lot of guts because I really wasn’t sure what it involved and what was required of me but I’m glad I’ve done it.
  • Be present at a birth
  • Donate grains of rice to a third world country
  • Serve food at a soup kitchen during the winter months
  • Send a care package to a soldier
  • Donate books to a school in India
  • Live with a poor family in India and Africa for a month
  • Spend the day helping at a children’s hospital
  • Help an endangered or injured animal
  • Do a charity walk and raise much-needed funds
  • Buy a meal for a homeless person
  • Work on a potter’s wheel
  • Write my autobiography
  • Get a degree – ok I have 2 already, working on the next…
  • Learn to play a musical instrument
  • Learn the alphabet in sign language – I can say I’ve managed to achieve this but do need to practise more often
  • Teach a class of autistic adults
  • Master a new language and these include Spanish, Italian, Marathi,
  • Have a professional facial treatment
  • Get a professional body massage
  • Have a professional photo shoot
  • Take a mud bath
  • Create a passive income
  • Be a leader in my professional field
  • Be debt free
  • Sleep on satin sheets May 2013, done this and can say it was an interesting experience. May be it was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be but none the less I would do it again.
  • Eat alone at a fancy 5-star restaurant
  • Enter something in a food competition
  • Have drinks at an ice bar
  • Make ice cream
  • Create a traditional dish from a different culture
  • Go to the movies by myself
  • Attend a high school reunion
  • Have your picture published in a newspaper – done and dusted this one many times. It started when I was 10 years old and it still hasn’t stopped. It has all been for good causes and raising awareness about social issues related to disability.
  • Pose with a figure at a wax museum, quite possibly at Madam Tussaud’s but who I pose next to is yet to be decided.
  • Be on a TV show – done this when I was raising awareness about disability hate crime. I shared my story and experiences of disability hate crime.
  • Be on the cover of a magazine cover
  • Sit front row at a basketball game
  • Watch the space shuttle launch for which I’ll need to go to America of course
  • Attend a film premier
  • Have a night at the opera
  • Smoke a fine cigar
  • Complete a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle with an elderly person in a care home
  • Send a message in a bottle
  • Build a sand castle with terminally ill children
  • Spontaneously walk into the airport and randomly buy a same-day ticket to wherever looks appealing
  • Leave any wealth or assets I have when I die to people who really deserve and need them
  • See the changing of the guards – I can’t believe that I haven’t seen or experienced this despite living in London all these years!! Must be done soon…..
  • Ride the London Eye – ok, embarrassed even more that everyone around me has ridden the London Eye except me. I’ll do it alone if I must!!!
  • Stand in a Red Phone Booth
  • Stroll Through Hyde Park – done this several times.
  • Learn to juggle
  • See the pyramids & the Sphynx (Egypt, not Vegas)
  • Walk the Great Wall
  • Tour India – my country, my heritage and my identity.
  • See the 7 wonders of the world
  • Visit Switzerland
  • Sleep in a castle with my husband
  • Take a Euro-trip just to visit castles & cathedrals
  • Ride in a Hot Air balloon with my husband – I’m a typical woman for this romantic trip!!
  • See the northern lights with my husband
  • Take a helicopter ride with my husband
So what’s on your bucket list? Have you made one yet?
Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Obstacles

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Obstacles, problems, challenges, roadblocks: we have all encountered then at some point in our lives. Some of these being greater in intensity than others. Yet we all seem to develop a great fear when we are faced with such circumstances, the fear of the unknown, the fear of failure and the greatest fear of all; the fear of loss, whether it be a commodity or a person. But looking at this from an alternative perspective, why are obstacles present in our life? What purpose do they have?

All obstacles will make any individual into a stronger, more determined person with the internal passion and enthusiasm to succeed. It’s certainly not true that such obstacles won’t hurt, cause much distress and disappointment. They do! And they hurt bad sometimes for an extended period of time. But the one purpose any obstacle has is to test an individuals own boundaries, own determination and desire to succeed. Often people state that they are unable to cope in such situations as its outside their immediate comfort zone. But stop! Ask yourself, what do you want to achieve? A new car? A new house? A promotion or a new job? A wife or husband? A new family? What is more important? The obstacle, or the end goal? When our perspective is changed often our mind-set is changed and our attitude too. Yet we live in complete fear, what ifs become yet another obstacle. These what ifs delay us from reaching our goal, we may not start or may call off the entire thing purely based on fear. The obstacles in our life are not there to deter us from our end goals, instead are there to inspire us to strive forward to achieve, to obtain and to succeed. It is in the very struggle that we learn new skills essential for life such as negotiation, patience and self-confidence. We discover new paths, new problem solving techniques and up on every triumph we gain confidence to explore further.

Obstacles do not determine our destiny, it is our attitude and approach to them which dictates our final achievement. We must believe entirely with our heart that we will succeed, we must accept that there will be problems and delays but look at these from a positive perspective. Having faith in your own self, your own beliefs, your own abilities is key to success. Perhaps this time delay has been given for a more pressing priority, a priority we may have overlooked. This delay maybe the entire obstacle, something which is entirely achievable by us. The alteration in our perceptive can make a big difference. I like obstacles; they teach me to fight even when I have little or no weapons, no ideas, no answers and what appears to be little chance of success. They teach me to be stronger for myself, my loved ones and to have faith, and obstacles teach me remain open-minded for each any every situation has something precious to teach me something which cannot be found in books or texts. Such lessons are found in living life, in actually facing obstacles. Many have told me life is easy if it is enjoyed outside of the constraints of obstacles and to a certain degree I agree. We cannot spend our entire life fighting obstacles, we must take time out to rejoice in the beautiful things that life has to offer us in its unique manner. But life is NOT easy, it IS difficult and this is the ultimate truth there is about life. It is only when we accept this universal truth that we actually begin to enjoy the challenges life has to offer us as well as appreciate the lighter moments of life too. You can move forward with your life and life’s challenges become a lot easier to deal with. Once difficulty is accepted as the very foundation of our life, it no longer surprises you or prevents you from building a lifestyle, attitude and approach which rises above it and tackles it with great force. People who gain and build strength by overcoming challenges and obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity.

If you’re trying to achieve something great and something worthwhile in life there will be roadblocks. I’ve had them; everybody has had them yet obstacles must not don’t stop you. If we run into a wall, its unlikely that you’ll turn around and give up. Most people will look around for a door or how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. When you are at your lowest point, you are open to the greatest positive change that could happen to you. Happiness, peace and success is not at all the absence of problems, but the strength and faith to deal with them. Strength is not a direct result of what you can do; it is gained and built on how you overcome the challenges you once thought were not possible. All the choices that people make bring them to their current point in life. Ask yourself, where do you want to go next? We have learnt a lot from the paths we have walked, some positive, some negative, some painful and others much more beautiful. But what have you really learnt? From an infinite pool of possibilities, you have learned how to face challenges that life has brought your way. These have injected your life with a new lease of life, a new set of goals and a new passion to succeed. What are the possibilities that most interest you now? Life does not just happen to us, it happens because of us – it’s what you choose to think, do, and create in each moment of difficulty that determines your end result. So what do you choose? Right now is an opportunity of a lifetime. We only get one life to pursue the dreams that make us come alive. It is better to be failing while learning at doing something we love and enjoy, rather than succeeding at doing something we feel mediocre about. Take chances on behalf of what you believe in and fail until you succeed because it is failing within these challenges that will allow for new paths to be created and opened. Step out beyond the safety of your comfort zone over and over again. Face your fears with courage and passion. Keep your word and hold true to your vision until it comes to life.

One lesson I have learnt during my times of adversity is that when you are up in life, your successful and happy your friends SEE who you are. When life brings you roadblocks and challenges, you get to know who your true friends are. There will be a great number of people when you are successful, happy and when times are easy. But take note of and always remember people who remain in your life when life get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their own life to help you improve yours when you really need it most. These people are your true friends.

Life is full of challenges, face them and tackle them with all your might. Enjoy this, as tackling challenges makes life interesting but overcoming them is what makes our lives meaningful!

“The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.”

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

 

Bullying

As promised, today I share with you my experience of bullying. We have all experienced bullying in one form or another, whether it be at school, work, between friends or even within family. The forms of bullying can vary from name calling to physical abuse which is also known as domestic violence. Some of us take it on the chin, it does not consume us or stop us from progressing forward. Others deem it apart of life and feel they are powerless to stop it so they accept it and live with it. However, for many others bullying becomes their living nightmare. An episode in their lives which dictates all future life events, emotions, trust and relationships. Its cruel, its painful, hurtful and a lonely time in a person’s life. It destroys confidence levels, self-esteem and self-respect. Here is my story.

Bullying for me started at a very young age, I was in primary school about the age of six. Even from that age, I stood out, I was different. I don’t know home but somehow my behaviour was different from that of my peers. I hardly made any friends at that stage in school, I never really had the opportunity as most of the time I was in and out of hospital with check ups and tests from my abnormal walking. My condition had started developing at this stage which was becoming much more visible. When I was in school my peers would make fun of me. My walking was different, I was constantly falling over and I couldn’t play sports and when I did, I was clumsy. It started with name calling and believe me kids can be so cruel. Bent, peg leg, spastic just to name a few. At the beginning I didn’t understand what the were referring to so I laughed it off or ignored it. It was only as it started becoming more frequent and more obvious that it started to make sense. To begin with I protested, I attempted to defend myself but it soon stopped as I felt I was fighting a losing battle. I didn’t speak to anyone, I didn’t know what to say. I felt ashamed and lacked the confidence that my complaints would be taken seriously. The teachers were aware of it yet did nothing. I remember after I had surgery for the first time at age 7, I went back to school in plaster and during recesses, I sat with children younger than me all because the teachers wanted to protect me from the rough and tumble of my peers. My bonding period, the time intended for developing friendships was spent with 4 and 5-year-old. I made daisy chains with them during spring and summer.

The situation become worse when I began junior school. In class, my belongings started disappearing. Either they were stolen or hidden. My parents bought me new stationary almost each week purely because it went missing so frequently. My work books went missing too for which I received harsh words from my teachers every time I complained. My work would be scribbled on or damaged. I had no friends to defend me or stand by me, I stood alone. On one occasion, during my maths period my stationary went missing so I couldn’t complete the set task. When the tutor requested to see the amount of work I had done I had one maths equation to show for an entire hour. I will never forget that day. The tutor, Miss Whealan only saw what was on the page, not what was behind it. She felt that I was unable to cope with the level of maths work I was being set, so she put me down a level. It was the first time I cried in class. I knew even at such a young age that it wasn’t my academic ability that was a problem, I knew I wasn’t struggling or finding the tasks difficult. It was everything else. Little did the tutor realise and know at the time that this downgrading would affect my confidence in maths for the rest of my life. No one accepted responsibility for what happened that day. Some of the smaller incidents were always overlooked. A fellow pupil standing on my legs while I screamed for him to get off, being trapped between the tables with a chair being thrown at me, hitting me with a lunch box in the face and across the head and of course the famous flushing my head down the toilet and then throwing me into the bin. Tears were just watering eyes and silence was considered acceptable as well as appropriate. Another incident I remember was when I was in the final year of juniors, a year before secondary/high school. We were given fountain pens to write with by the school. It was to show us we were now growing up, more responsible and it was expected of us to behave in such a manner. I was so very pleased with my new fountain pen, like any 10-year-old, I kept it safe and close. It was a new toy almost. This joy was short-lived as pens started going missing and nibs were being damaged or broken. I wasn’t spared either, in fact the first ever fountain pen my parents purchased for me ended up beyond repair and was eventually disposed of. One afternoon while I was on the receiving end of harsh works from my form tutor, one of my peers kindly informed him that she had seen me damaging the nibs of fountain pens. My heart skipped a beat. I knew this was untrue but I also knew that my protests would fall on deaf ears. Her words, “Also Mr Kelly, I’ve seen her breaking the nibs of ink pens. She has also broken them off pupils personal pens too, I saw her yesterday.” My tutors response, “Oh is that so? So as well as not concentrating in class and causing trouble you’ve been damaging property too. Sit and do your work while I go and find out about these broken pens.” I sat in my seat petrified. I knew what was coming. The form tutor next door informed Mr Kelly that such incidences were occurring. I was called into class stood in front of everyone and yelled at for my misbehaviour. I was labelled irresponsible on the words of an 11-year-old who had clearly lied about what I had done. It was the first time I felt humiliation, but by no means the last. With no fountain pen, my school year ended, juniors was finally over.

High school shaped my teenage years as well as my twenties. I entered high school as a timid, withdrawn and lonesome girl. I was 11 I knew no one and I had no confidence in myself. I never told anyone about my condition, the anxiety surrounding people’s reactions was not something I could contemplate. The school year started better than I expected, my peers would talk to me and actually included me it things which they did. But it was short-lived, an illusion. Soon they all found out about my condition and I became the target of all forms of abuse. The names came first; bent browner, peg leg, spaz, etc. So called friends I had made began to drift away and then join in the ‘fun’. The spat at me, called me disgusting and a loner. My peers tripped me up on purpose just to see me fall and for them to laugh. Everyday, without exaggeration, I went home with at least one bleeding knee or one other form of injury. I would walk into class and people would start calling out names or would pull my chair away so I would fall. I look back now and smile at the smallness of their pranks, the smallness of their minds and it baffles me to think what they actually obtained from it all. Science was probably the second lesson in which my peers had the most amount of fun with physical education being the first. I hated, I mean absolutely hated PE but I was forced to take part as it was a curriculum requirement that all pupils take part. I had no options or choices. They had a field day watching me run, watching me fall and watching my faulty coordination. It was humiliating not being able to run in the same manner as others but worse still was the fact that I participation was a requirement. I became a laughing-stock.

One particular incident at school really stands out today. It was a winters if my memory serves me right which is a   for me, even today. My school was fair large, build generously over a large piece of land. During lesson change, it was a long walk between rooms so I was often late. On this particular day, I on my own or at least this is what I thought at the time. The route encountered some steps on the way, and as I walked down them a peer from my class came and barged passed me while hurling abuse at me. The abuse in the form of bad language and racial comments didn’t affect me as much as I had become accustomed to it. What did hurt in the form of excruciating pain was my right foot. I lost my balance but remained standing, although just barely but the loss of balance somehow led to my foot being in an extremely unusual position. I heard and felt a crack. The pain shot through me as if it were lightening. I never realised at the time that I had actually suffered a fracture. The classroom felt like it was at the greatest of distances. I walked slowly arriving at least 20 minutes late. All my peers had already arrived and class had commenced. “What time do you call this young lady?” asked my English teacher, Mr Brooks. I apologised and attempted to explain the reason for my lateness. It fell on deaf ears. At this point my foot was throbbing, I felt dizzy and sick, I was also sweating profoundly. I sat at the back of class trying to control the pain, a pain which was very new to me. As I was sat along I had the urge to take off my shoe to see the damage. I usually found that once I had seen the extent of the injury I felt calmer. There was just swelling which I expected but the pain was tremendous. I couldn’t understand it. During lesson my peers felt it necessary to play more pranks on me. One of them walked past and threw my books across the room. The teacher was absent from the class at this point. I was forced to get up to retrieve my books. The laughter of all my peers watching me walk still haunts me today. Worse still, they believed I was faking it, putting on a show to attract attention. So, one of the boys who particularly had an interest in bullying me came and stamped on my foot. The broken one. I screamed and fell to the ground at which point the teacher returned. “What on earth are you doing on the floor?! Get up off there and sit back down on your chair, you’re not in play group anymore!” Staggering heavily, sweating profusely and in indescribable pain I sat on my chair. The remaining half an hour felt like a thousand hours. After class finished, everyone left and I was of them course the last. I was on the top floor of a three floor old house. Climbing up was hard enough but I never knew that going down would almost kill me. It took approximately half an hour. Little was I aware that just before the last set of stairs, I had my peers waiting for me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw them. I walked slowly down the stairs past them without them moving. All the while my heart in my throat, mind wondering what on earth was to come next. I was almost at the bottom when one of them grabbed my arm and pulled me down the stairs. I was on the floor by the time I got to the bottom. I heard laughter around me, cheers and sniggering too. I somehow managed to get back on my feet, and whilst dragging my broken foot and school bag, I went to the school office to call my parents. After this I cried. I have never cried so much. X-rays proved it to be a fractured toe. I ended up in plaster for 6 weeks with nothing but an apology from the teachers for the distress caused. This particular incident reinforced to me the notion of vulnerability and being disabled. It stayed with me for a very long time.

As a child I went through a great deal of abuse and bullying yet it went unnoticed. Those around me were invisible to the anguish I suffered. These and many other incidences occurred in my life, many which I cannot even recall clearly. But its all taught me a great deal too. Today I’m not the vulnerable girl who was dragged down the school stairs with a broken foot. I’ve accepted that at the time I was very weak but such vulnerabilities don’t pursue me anymore. These incidences and many other have made me much stronger to fight and defend myself. I cannot at all deny that it was difficult, it was and some scars still remain. I blame not myself or my perpetrators, but the teachers for failing to notice. It’s from this time onwards that the invisible me was born.

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Liberation

I realise that many of my posts don’t reveal much about my daily life and I remain somewhat detached from my own reality. Today I bring you something a little different. I will share with you my very first testimony on mental health which took place yesterday afternoon.

One of the positions I hold is that of a certified trainer with mental health speciality. It is through this position that I deliver training to a wide range of programs, courses, corporate as well as private clients and organisations. The range of delegates vary, on some occasions I encounter people who are really moved by my story whereas on others they can be resistant to accepting some of the concepts within mental health. In all honesty, I truly sympathise with such individuals because its disheartening to see that despite this large array of knowledge base and information they refuse to appreciate the difficulties people like myself have been through.

Being there in the capacity of a person sharing their personal experience of mental health, I, at first felt a little nervous. Several questions ran through my mind, what kind of audience will I face? How many people will be there? Would they believe my story? The nervously was related more towards not knowing what sort of audience I was facing. I was confident that I could delivery my story, I was confident that I would have no issues with public speaking. This nervousness felt totally normal, nothing that was too overwhelming. It disappeared as soon as I got in the room.

The audience were mainly women, teachers or those in a position where they came into contact with children and teenagers. My story was from the angle of a teenager and the many difficulties that I faced pretty much alone. My time slot: 45mins. Never had I been given so much time to talk freely to an audience who I may never see again. I spoke. Without self doubt, without fear and without self stigma or discrimination. I spoke my truth, honestly, openly and reflectively. I informed the audience that the story I was about to embark upon was fairly intense so those who felt overwhelmed where well within their right to leave the room should the feel the need to. No one left.

I spoke about when my mental health issues first started which was at about the age of 11. As a victim of bullying for approximately 3 yrs at high school, I developed anxieties about my physical disability. I was frightened to continue living a normal life as a high school teenager. The mere act of walking into a classroom was one in which I broke out in a sweat. Being one of the only Asian girls in a school where the majority were Caucasian was not an easy situation to be a teenage who was timid and withdrawn. I stood out, like a sore thumb. I was different in all ways that you can possibly think of, physically as well as socially. It was easy for my peers to pick up on the fact that I had a disability even though I told no one. They’d pick on me during lessons and it all started purely from name calling. Those of you who have experience of childhood bullying at school and college will relate when I say that such name calling can stay with you for a long time after the ordeal is over. I was excluded from groups, I became a target for all sorts of pranks. One incident I remember clearly to this day is that of a science class when we were studying ecology outside at the school pond. At the end of the lesson we were all walking back to class to go home and as usual was on my own walking back. Totally by surprise one of my peers ran past and pushed me while saying “don’t fall”. I lost my balance, slipped and landed on a brick on my back. The excruciating pain shot through me like lightening at double its normal speed. I screamed. My teachers at the time came to my rescue, but were unable to do anything so an ambulance was called. The wait between the fall and the arrival of the ambulance lasted decades. I cried, at the pain, at my loneliness and at my myself. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. My diagnosis: heavy internal bruising of the spine with a recovery time of at least 6 weeks! After I had been discharged from hospital, my parents and I went to see the year head. Stupidly I thought she would be on my side, she would see that I was the victim and I needed comfort and support at this stage. How wrong was I! Her words were, “Im sorry this has happened to you today and I wish you a speedy recovery but after speaking to the girls, I have to say that you did push them first. Its unreasonable to expect they receive punishment when it was you all along who started it.” My world collapsed. I didn’t say a word, I had nothing to say. My parents were powerless to do anything as they received brick walls where ever they turned. They tried very hard. Such incidents became the norm, and slowly but surely I stopped telling people, I slowly withdraw from everything. I started feeling ashamed of who I was, my disability and my own skin colour. I doubted my abilities in everything I did and although I didn’t fail school I certainly know today that my performance was not to the standard it could’ve been. My childhood had been taken away from me and this was only the beginning.

My story will continue in future posts but I hope this post inspires you to tell your story too. There is no shame in actually talking and sharing your hurt and pain. It is in fact very liberating and yesterday when I told my story in front of strangers, I realised that Im liberating myself even more by telling my story. I know today that despite this hardship I was not wrong, I was the victim and not the culprit. There is no need for me to continue blaming myself for the unspeakable doings of others, I no longer need to fear my past. I’ve accepted it and by accepting it I’ve achieved liberation.

Best Wishes
Maahi PM

To Love

Over the years of my simple existence I have had many a conversation with people about love. What is it? What makes it so controversial and difficult to understand? The answers remain inconclusive but vague ideas have emerged. I have come to realise that love means very different things to different people and is also dependant on the type of character you are as well as what you have observed around you.

For me love happens to be a very open emotion. A feeling that not only liberates an individual but has to the power to destroy and reduce them to their lowest mental state. To love is to allow yourself and your partner to be free in all forms of character and personality. It’s not judgement free because love is honest not bias. When we love someone truly we will be honest with them, inform them of how we feel about them, their decisions and their choices. Ultimately though we allow the person to be free to make their choices even if it does not coincide with our views, opinions or needs because ultimately love does not restrict anyone, its primary aim is to allow for growth to occur. If our partners love us as much as we love them, they’ll allow us to express our feelings, views and opinions without hesitation as they will have the knowledge and understanding that what is being expressed is out of love and not control or disapproval. It’s also known as open communication.

Real love need not be physical all the time, although it is an element of it. For me, a real lover is the man who can thrill by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring at you. It is these actions which demonstrate that love is much deeper than physical attraction, it’s a connection, a bond and an attraction to a soul, perfect for you in all ways imaginable, even with their mistakes, flaws and limitations. You may not be your lovers first, last, or one and only, they still love you now, what else matters? Human perfection is impossible, neither of us will be perfect but together you may be perfect together. They can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes. Hold onto this person, they are very rare, give them the most you can, give them your heart, love, time and life. To love is not to think of the person every second of everyday, it’s the knowledge that they are with you everywhere you go, it’s the understanding and appreciation that they have given you a part of themselves that they know you can break – their heart, their thoughts, their feelings and above all their trust.

Love is not pain-free, lovers will hurt each other, yet it is knowing which pain is acceptable and which isn’t. True lovers won’t intentionally hurt us in any way, and therefore it is our responsibility to learn the intentions and or reasons behind the pain caused before we get emotionally carried away. I believe true lovers do not intentionally hurts their partners, do not attempt to change us but instead empower us to develop ourself. In love, our lovers do not analyse our movements and actions, yet instead seek to understand them, accept them and praise them.

Expectations in love is a tricky one. It’s wrong to say we have none at all, we all have them, some fewer than others perhaps. If I say I don’t expect anything then only I can be held responsible for not clarifying to my lover that dishonesty is not acceptable. The expectations I have would be based upon what the persons capacity is, honesty, open communication, understanding and trust. The rest is a gift, a surprise and an expression of the love our partner feels towards us. To expect a palace from a partner who is unable to give it to us makes us selfish, inconsiderate and demanding. Smile when they make you happy, let them know when they make you mad, and miss them when they are not there.

Love is a feeling which is felt but love as a feeling must also be expressed through our actions. The simplest form of love we can give is our attention. Listen to your partner talk, allow them to feel comfortable enough to express to their heart’s content. A flower, a cooked meal, a candle lit dinner, a walk, a drive, a sweet text message, a romantic email are all forms of action expressing love. It makes our partners happy because it makes them feel extra special, needed, important, desired and most of all loved. You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions that dictate their intentions. It’s actions, not words, that matter, because it’s so easy to say I love you, but at the end of the day its how we express it that shows our lover how much they mean to us.

Do not keep a lover waiting. There’s nothing worse than a tortured soul waiting for love. Love mean that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, it does not mean making decisions about your relationship alone with the intention that it’s for your lovers own good, because no matter how well intended our intentions are, we must allow our lover the opportunity to makes their own choices and decisions. Remember love is freedom. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. A hard and often painful fact. Allow your love to be deep, so deep that when you sleep your lovers eyes close, when your lover is distressed you feel their discomfort and when they are happy you are at peace.

To love at all is to be vulnerable so allow your lover to be comfortable enough to be vulnerable. To love anything at all means there is chance your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact and pain-free you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries if your life; avoid all entanglements or attachments. Lock it away safe in the coffin of your selfishness yet remember in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it is highly likely to alter. Although it will remain unbroken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. This is not love. Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone’s bad qualities because they somehow complete you. No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater. The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences, it always will be and this is the key element. It’s like a round cake and the love in any relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.I’m not the silly romantic you may think me to be I don’t want the moon, the heavens, the shooting stars, the flashy car or the gold necklace. I don’t want diamonds or pearls. I have those things already. I want a strong and steady hand. A kind, gentle soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake each morning with the knowledge that my heart is safe, this soul is safe. I want to love, and be loved. The best kind of love is the type that awakens the soul and makes us encourages us to reach for more. This love lights a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.Every heart sings a unique song, incomplete and lonesome until another heart whispers back the words of incomplete verses. Those who wish to sing always find their song one way or another. What I want is to be needed, wanted, desired and supported. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody for the rest of our lives. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention and imperfections. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction between us. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired by one! I love you means many things to different people. It means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you. It can mean I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, as well as I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.

So, there you have it. My idea of love. It may not make sense to all, and many will not agree but for me love is not something concrete. Love is ever evolving and has many different meanings for people, many may not even believe in love but for me love is eternal.

I wish you all love my friends and I hope it finds you in its own unique way.

Best wishes,
Maahi PM

Sometimes

Every heart holds some form of pain.
Only the way it is expressed is different
Fools hide it in their eyes,
While the brilliant hide it in
Their smile…..

Sometimes I wish I could speak the words of my heart, all the anger, all the happiness, and all the pain. It’s such a liberating feeling to have, sometimes creating a unique reaction which is not achievable at any other moment in life. Sometimes all we need is an opportunity, to express, to offload and to feel whatever it is that we are holding onto so tightly without the fear of judgement or loss or advice. We need a listening ear, not a problem solver. Many circumstances don’t disappear at the blink of an eye; some linger for extended periods of time and having the confidence, resilience and perseverance to carry on as if all is normal take a great amount of courage; whether it is happiness or pain. The individual alone is fully aware of the current state of affairs, we can only image, listen and attempt to comprehend what they are experiencing. Sometimes all you want is for people to see your smile, the happiness, your current state of mind rather than any of the pain you may be hiding and vice versa. Sometimes you just want to cry; for all the helpless moments, for all the times when you were eternally grateful, for the times you were successful at something deemed otherwise. Sometimes we run, sometimes we hide and sometimes we are frightened but all in all we just need time and reassurance. Sometimes we question our motives. Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. Sometimes we go quiet without understanding why, our minds blank as if a piece is missing. In life sometimes you feel lost, frustrated and sometimes it break all the hope and the thoughts you drew. Sometimes sorry is not enough and sometimes you live without regret.

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM