I live in a world so hateful that I would rather die than be a part of it. I don’t doubt who I am nor do I deny being at fault for the many mistakes I have made. Yet living a life as a kind, understanding and generous individual has left me feeling empty and used and very much alone.
There have been many moments in life that I have been pushed into doubting myself and the pushers have succeeded. Yet I have bounced back and regained my position of being a strong believer in my own action but above all I have trusted my intentions. I fully accept that intentions cannot be seen or measured but their purity can be observed through our actions. As a person I have never intentionally intended to hurt, manipulate or marginalised anyone but am humble enough to know that I may have done so.
Today I sit and wonder why I am going wrong and why so much abuse is being hurled towards me. Self reflection works on some occasions but at times it really does put you in a dilemma where self questioning over powers the obvious truth. Why is being understanding such an awful quality to have? And why does this give so many people the passport or take advantage of my kind nature? I ask myself the question often but fail to generate an appropriate answer. As an individual I feel I do allow for a majority of the hatred and abuse to occur but then feel powerless to stop it when I do stand up for myself. The result of standing up for myself is often more emotional abuse or losing the individual concerned. I care too much, I often care beyond the point of caring and at the cost of my self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem. A harsh reality is that allowing this has contributed to my current state and it’s a vicious cycle I don’t seem to free myself from.
It’s hard, but I’m doing what I can.