Ambivalence

You’re not in love with her 

If yelling at her in an argument doesn’t make your throat burn like you just downed six shots, you’re not in love with her.

If her eyes can’t make you stop in your tracks and think about what you are about to say next, you’re not in love with her.

If her laugh doesn’t make you tense up your knuckles thinking about never hearing it again, you’re not in love with her.

If it only hurts her when she cries, you’re not in love with her.

If her voice cant calm your worst anxiety attacks and make you want to listen to anything she has to say, you’re not in love with her.

If her smile doesn’t make your chest quake and your lungs shrink but feel refreshed all in one motion, you’re not in love with her. 

If her taking her clothes off is when you pay the most attention to her, you’re not in love with her at all. 

Best wishes,

Maahi PM

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Daily Prompt: Overcome

via Daily Prompt: Overcome

Sometimes I cannot believe the difficulties that I have actually overcome. The painstaking, melancholy of life has left its marks on my soul as well as my body, yet here I still am. Yet I often question whether human really do overcome the things that they endure. Overcoming is a powerful phenomenon and understanding what it really is requires some deeper level of consideration. The pain, the anguish, the betrayal as well as all the other set backs, so what does it really mean to overcome something? Do we actually overcome or do we just learn to live life because that is the only option we have available? A majority of the time we as human seem to just adapt and ‘overcome’ the hindrance that has come our way.

Overcoming to me is a form of getting past an obstacle of some sort, this can be emotional, practical, internal or external. But the difference I see is that overcoming means accepting the situation or obstacle and using it in a manner which aids personal development. The overcoming process is not an easy one, its one that is a struggle, painful and often one where you lose some aspect of your being or life. It is not a simplified process and more of a life process of learning to adjust and adapt to difficult changes with sacrifices on the way. Do we ever really overcome these moments? How can we really overcome the pain of a broken heart or a failure of some form? Isn’t the word overcome just a masquerade for adaptation and learning to live with loss? 

I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome. 

Best wishes 

Maahi PM 

A reason to live 

The only reason I choose to stay alive is so my family doesn’t live with the devastation of my suicide. My pain is not more than the life long pain they would live with. 

Best wishes, 

Maahi PM 

Daily Prompt: Infinite

Via Daily Prompt: Infinite

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
We must remember that beyond the horizon of the so called impossible is infinite possibility.

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

A Day…..

A day without her – Fun

A week without her – Tiring

A month without her – Sad

A year without her – Lonely

A life without her – Curse

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

 

Daily Prompt: Gone

Via Daily Prompt: Gone

A few short stories in relation to today’s daily prompt. Somewhere hidden within the text is a sense of something being gone or lost. I find that the word gone itself is very empty with little to offer in terms of emotion.

The Wi-Fi was fine and good 
It was I who had no connections left

“You really mean the world to be my darling!”
This was the birthday text that was sent.
Blue ticks. It’s been read. No reply.
The heart sank. I understood, someone else has taken the place. 

Somewhere between yesterday’s shadow and 
Somewhere between tomorrow’s insecurities 
We end up ruining today’s happiness.

Sooner or later, 
We all come to realise that being a 
Child was the best thing ever.

“Can you live without him?” her friend asked.
“No, but I would rather let him fly than break his wings.”

They both cried endlessly.
One had to forget and move on, 
The other regretted letting go. 

Somewhere between parents expectations and society’s interference, dreams died. 

Take me back in time when people and emotions were real.
Take me to my childhood….

Somewhere between “I want to grow up” and 
“I want to be a child again”, Life happened.

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

You want to…

You want to smile, but you are crying

You are sad, but you want to be happy

You are quiet, but you want to talk

You say you are OK, but you are lying

You stay strong, but you are broken inside

You are afraid, but you do not admit it

You are surrounded by people, but you are alone

You are breathing, but inside you are dead

You talk about feelings, but inside you are empty

You sleep, but you are still tired

You are calm, but inside you are raging

You are everything you do not show

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

 

Daily Prompt: Year

via Daily Prompt: Year

Dear all,

Happy New Year! So the year 2017 is now in full swing across the entire world with so many people making ambitious new years resolutions and plans to make the year ahead that little bit better, that little bit productive and that little bit more worth while.

So what are my plans? Well, I can not say that I have made any such resolutions but more of a real effort to focus on what is important to me. The last few years of my life have been what I call a train wreak and I have just been dragging through it without much thought for the consequences for myself let alone other people. It was strange because every year New Years Day is just another day for me and I pretty much feel indifferent about it. Yet this year, I felt a deeper, more required need for a change, concentration on myself and focus. The change is more required towards a better beginning, rather than a new beginning as such. The past year does not just disappear for people, no matter how much they would wish it to. I wish to concentrate on my goals and dreams which I feel have taken a back bench for a long while and have been severely neglected. I feel a sense of anxiety and excitement all at once and almost an urgency to get going and make my life better for myself first before thinking about making the lives of others better.

So here is my small cloud of ideas to make my year a better more productive one:

  1. Regular meals which are healthy and balanced
  2. Regular meditation for relaxation and clarity of thoughts
  3. Regular exercise for the preservation of health and dexterity
  4. Regular writing; online and journal
  5. Personal and professional development in career and self reflection

I am thankful for what I have been give over the last few years, both the good and bad. The good and maintained my faith in humanity and the bad has been a rude awakening that standing up for myself and thinking about myself is just as important, if not more important.

What does the new year mean for you?

I wish you all the very best. Remember to never give up, there is always a new chance to try again.

With all my love and best wishes to all,

Maahi PM

Tough Love

1. The little things that make us happy, the little things which make us feel loved, cared for, respected and appreciated always seem little at the time, but as the years pass, you will realise that they are what make up the very essence and beauty of your relationship.

2. Love has and will always remain to be a risk and gamble. You may know a person very closely and be very comfortable with them but none of us can ever be 100% sure as none or us can predict the future.

3. It’s more important that everyday you are able to consciously choose your partner to be your partner rather that just blaming it or putting it down merely on fate or simply stating that you were “meant to be.” It would be foolish to think or believe that you just floated passively into the relationship; you, like your partner were equal in choosing to take the steps to develop a relationship with each other so you are equally responsible.

4. Relationships, and by that I mean any relationships are bloody hard work and we all know it. Sometimes, you will become frustrated and you’re going to think that shutting down, bringing up the brick wall and emotionally removing yourself from the problem and quite possibly from the relationship temporarily is the wise and mature thing to do.

5. However, hiding or suppressing your feelings, bringing up that wall and closing yourself off from your partner is just as hurtful to them and harmful to your relationship as it is lashing out or yelling. The behaviour creates unnecessary uncertainty and animosity. Sometimes, it can be more detrimental to withdrawn emotionally from the relationship and your partner and the damage can be irreversible.

6. At times it will feel strange to become so open with another person – not caring when they see you in your most hideous state, being more concerned with having a good sleep than with looking adorable while doing so, having no shame regarding bodily functions, etc.

7. But these sort of things are also what bring you to the next level of intimacy in your relationship – being so close with someone that you feel like they’re the only person in the world who knows the unedited, unfiltered, unperfected version of you. The only person who knows the realest, most simple version of you and loves you because of it.

8. The novelty of a being with a new person is infatuating, but its inability to last long-term is what makes it so addictive in the first place.

9. A lasting, meaningful and long term relationship will not always feel as exciting and thrilling as the beginning of a new fling or affair, but it is much more likely to provide lasting happiness and contentment.

10. Sometimes your significant other is going to absolutely drive you crazy – and not in a passionate, head-over-heels kind of way. Its the kind of crazy where you wish you could make use of a club and a spade, oh and you just have to accept that its totally normal.

11. Physical attraction is critical but you have to remember everybody gets old and wrinkly. Therefore, attraction should be primarily be based on the persons values and their personality from the onset. This way you both are more likely to become more attractive to each other as you grow old together.

12. Love, roses, attraction affection and relationships are not immune to issues, arguments, and disagreements. The relationships which last are simply the ones who work out how to work through it, no matter how long it takes or how unpleasant it may be.

13. You will never be completely in love with every single aspect of your significant other. Of course, most of their quirks will be irresistible, some will drive you up the wall and make you scream. What is important is that you love them as a whole person, without trying to change them into a flawless, ideal and ‘perfect’ partner (who will never exist).

14. It’s easy to be in love when things are simple; it’s harder to be in love and stay in love when it feels as if every part of your life is an effort and a struggle. But as strange as it may sound, in relationships you become much closer when you go through shitty times together, as opposed to the uncomplicated phases of life.

15. It’s normal to love someone very deeply but to sometimes not like them.

16. Harsh as it may sound, you will never be completely fulfilled by another person. They can make you feel whole, loved, and happy. But its is not not at all possible to find the real meaning and purpose of your life within them – they can form a part of your life, but they are not the answer to it entirely. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness first before they can share that happiness with you.

17. Sometimes, loving your partner will not be effortless. It will take work and energy but don’t be under the illusion that this makes your relationship a failure. On the contrary, it makes you both real and human.

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

International Women’s Day 2015: My Tribute to Jyoti Singh

RIP Jyoti Singh
RIP Jyoti Singh

Today is International Women’s Day. I dedicate this post to all women in the world but above all to Jyoti Singh, the young woman I will remember as strong, brave and compassionate.

“It is very difficult to understand why in this country [India] so much difference is made between men and women, whereas the Vedanta declares that one and the same conscious Self is present in all beings. You always criticize the women, but say what have you done for their uplift? Writing down Smritis etc., and binding them by hard rules, the men have turned the women into manufacturing machines! If you do not raise the women, who are living embodiment of the Divine Mother, don’t think that you have any other way to rise”  – Swami Vivekananda

“If you do not allow one to become a lion, he will become a fox. Women are a power, only now it is more evil because man oppresses woman; she is the fox, but when she is no longer oppressed, she will be the lion.” (CW vol.7,p.22) – Swami Vivekananda

I recently watched a documentary aired by the BBC called India’s Daughter. It tells the horrific story of Jyoti Singh, a medical student who was gang raped in December 2012 by 5 men and a juvenile on a bus in Delhi on her way home with a male friend following a movie. The documentary exposes unspeakable detail of her brutal and humiliating ordeal which can only be described as pure evil and sadly highlights the culture of repression, inequality and violence deeply ingrained not only in India but across many cultures in the world. The documentary by Leslee Udwin features shocking interviews including Jyoti’s parents, one of the convicted rapist, their families and defence lawyers. The prosecution lawyer has not been featured in the documentary.

The documentary highlights a silent revolution of change rising amongst young aspiring women in India who are striving to coexist in a culture which privileges boys and turns a blind eye to the abortion of female foetuses. Yet the film is awash with women of all calibre emphasising the backlash constantly received from their male counterparts. Many state how India is unequipped to cope with a young and fast growing generation of emancipated women, a position brutally confirmed by the defendants’ lawyers. “In our society, we do not allow a girl to leave the house after 6.30pm with an unknown person”, one of the more sober points made by the lawyers. The defence lawyer, A.P Singh in the case was filmed stating “If my daughter or sister engaged in pre-marital activities and disgraced herself and allowed herself to lose face and character by doing such things, I would most certainly take this sort of sister or daughter to my farmhouse, and in front of my entire family, I would put petrol on her and set her alight”. Later, when questioned if he stood by those comments, he insisted that he did. Such comments stress the nature, mindset and culture of the society in which women live across India and across the world.

One of the convicted rapist currently serving a life sentence, Mukesh Singh was interviewed for the documentary. He highlights the chilling attitude towards women within India today, he said in his interview “When being raped, she shouldn’t fight back. She should just be silent and allow the rape. Then they’d have dropped her off after ‘doing her’, and only hit the boy”. He later added, “A girl is far more responsible for rape than a boy; a decent girl won’t roam around at nine o’clock at night; housework and housekeeping is for girls, not roaming in discos and bars at night doing wrong things, wearing wrong clothes”. This rapist demonstrates no regret or any level of understanding of the inconceivable gravity of his barbaric actions. This is perhaps what India has to offer in terms of protection for women and a ‘son’ for India. Such comments send a icy chill down my spin and anger rages within me like a volcano, it is almost unbelievable to hear of such levels of repression towards women and in this case Jyoti being a woman with great potential for achievement. The sheer bravery of the girl fighting back made a mockery of the rapists, something which male’s within such societies do not tolerate. Whether such attitudes and levels of discrimination are taught or learnt is a matter India needs to ask itself. The repetitive notion of India’s sons being the products of poverty, poor education and violence has a narrow gap for conviction; Jyoti Singh, whose background was one of poverty and poor education, proved that despite the many hurdles a ‘woman can do anything’.

The film ignited mass protests and riots throughout India, leading to the demand for changes in attitudes towards women. Little has changed since the heinous attack and the protests and riots have dispersed but Jyoti Singh’s parents live on in unimaginable pain not to say backlash from a male orientated society. The banning of this document by the Indian government may have done more harm than good as it portrays a message of ignorance as well as embarrassment on the part of the Indian government for the illusion it has created of democracy, equality and the development of the country. Can the fourth largest democracy in the world play its part in being a leader when its women receive little justice and protection from its own people? India must retain its core cultural values towards women of respect, equality and protection in order to remain in line with world leaders of the developed world or reap the consequences of being associated with countries where gender equality is unheard of. Surely, the Indian Penal Code 509 (Word, gesture or act intended to insult the modesty of a woman) and of the Information Technology Act 2000 Section 66A (Punishment for sending offensive messages through communication service) are applicable to people like defence lawyer A.P Singh, convicted rapist Mukesh Singh and defence lawyer M.L Sharma and is a starting point for India in its move towards gender equality?

The documentary merely hints at the roots of the problem of gender inequality and gender violence. Furthermore, the documentary depicts Jyoti Singh in the light of a ‘helpless woman’ rather than her true humble self. Jyoti Singh was a fierce, upstanding and compassionate citizen of Delhi with a promising future in medicine. She carried a fearless character and rose up against her perpetrators who would eventually robbed her of her life purely because she would not be dictated to or tolerate bullying. Jyoti Singh was a woman of conviction, she was a self made person and pitifully India cannot claim to have played any hand in developing this young 23 year old into the woman she was. Despite ‘India’ and the many obstacles placed in the paths of women like Jyoti, they strive to success and make a name for themselves. What did India give Jyoti Singh? Certainly not a society which respected, encouraged or developed her. Certainly not an education for which her family were not compelled to sacrifice their life savings. And certainly not a mode of safe transport home following a movie with a friend. The bravery of Jyoti’s parents is worthy of nothing less than an applaud. They spoke of their beautiful daughter with pride and joy and spoke of their daughter by name, defying the cultural norms of society who chose to call her Nirbhaya – under the context of protecting her identity as if she had something to hide away from or feel shame for.

It would be a gross injustice to India to proclaim it consists entirely of rapists. It does not. However, more that 75% of Indian women are subjected to domestic violence, most of which go unreported. What price will India pay for accepting this fact? There are rapists all over the world of course, yet this cannot and certainly does not alter or lessen India’s issue of gender violence and inequality. The banning of the documentary in India only highlights the issues further and sheds light on the notorious nature of India to shy away from controversial and incriminating domestic problems. India is A.P Singh, the defence lawyer standing by his narrow minded statement. India is the government concerned about the possible backlash, embarrassment and tainting of its image in the international community through the depiction of a brutal truth of Jyoti Singh rape and murder. India in M.L Sharma whose slimy description of women is contradicted by his one sentence “We have the best culture. In our culture, there is no space for a woman”. India is the police officer congratulating his team of officers and himself on the capture of the culprits and provides a false guarantee of Delhi being safe once again “even for women”. India is the men and women encouraging the betterment of the sons of India under the notion of him being the heir of the family at the cost of many innoccent women and girls. India is the many elderly men and women living in poverty or in ashrams while their sons live in mansions and bungalows. India most certainly not Jyoti Singh.

“All the darkness in the universe cannot extinguish the light of a single flame. As long as we believe in ourselves, we will keep this flame alight.” – The Inflectionist

Best Wishes
Maahi PM

International Women's Day 2015
International Women’s Day 2015