Ambivalence

You’re not in love with her 

If yelling at her in an argument doesn’t make your throat burn like you just downed six shots, you’re not in love with her.

If her eyes can’t make you stop in your tracks and think about what you are about to say next, you’re not in love with her.

If her laugh doesn’t make you tense up your knuckles thinking about never hearing it again, you’re not in love with her.

If it only hurts her when she cries, you’re not in love with her.

If her voice cant calm your worst anxiety attacks and make you want to listen to anything she has to say, you’re not in love with her.

If her smile doesn’t make your chest quake and your lungs shrink but feel refreshed all in one motion, you’re not in love with her. 

If her taking her clothes off is when you pay the most attention to her, you’re not in love with her at all. 

Best wishes,

Maahi PM

Advertisements

A reason to live 

The only reason I choose to stay alive is so my family doesn’t live with the devastation of my suicide. My pain is not more than the life long pain they would live with. 

Best wishes, 

Maahi PM 

Daily Prompt: Infinite

Via Daily Prompt: Infinite

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
We must remember that beyond the horizon of the so called impossible is infinite possibility.

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

A Day…..

A day without her – Fun

A week without her – Tiring

A month without her – Sad

A year without her – Lonely

A life without her – Curse

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

 

Tough Love

1. The little things that make us happy, the little things which make us feel loved, cared for, respected and appreciated always seem little at the time, but as the years pass, you will realise that they are what make up the very essence and beauty of your relationship.

2. Love has and will always remain to be a risk and gamble. You may know a person very closely and be very comfortable with them but none of us can ever be 100% sure as none or us can predict the future.

3. It’s more important that everyday you are able to consciously choose your partner to be your partner rather that just blaming it or putting it down merely on fate or simply stating that you were “meant to be.” It would be foolish to think or believe that you just floated passively into the relationship; you, like your partner were equal in choosing to take the steps to develop a relationship with each other so you are equally responsible.

4. Relationships, and by that I mean any relationships are bloody hard work and we all know it. Sometimes, you will become frustrated and you’re going to think that shutting down, bringing up the brick wall and emotionally removing yourself from the problem and quite possibly from the relationship temporarily is the wise and mature thing to do.

5. However, hiding or suppressing your feelings, bringing up that wall and closing yourself off from your partner is just as hurtful to them and harmful to your relationship as it is lashing out or yelling. The behaviour creates unnecessary uncertainty and animosity. Sometimes, it can be more detrimental to withdrawn emotionally from the relationship and your partner and the damage can be irreversible.

6. At times it will feel strange to become so open with another person – not caring when they see you in your most hideous state, being more concerned with having a good sleep than with looking adorable while doing so, having no shame regarding bodily functions, etc.

7. But these sort of things are also what bring you to the next level of intimacy in your relationship – being so close with someone that you feel like they’re the only person in the world who knows the unedited, unfiltered, unperfected version of you. The only person who knows the realest, most simple version of you and loves you because of it.

8. The novelty of a being with a new person is infatuating, but its inability to last long-term is what makes it so addictive in the first place.

9. A lasting, meaningful and long term relationship will not always feel as exciting and thrilling as the beginning of a new fling or affair, but it is much more likely to provide lasting happiness and contentment.

10. Sometimes your significant other is going to absolutely drive you crazy – and not in a passionate, head-over-heels kind of way. Its the kind of crazy where you wish you could make use of a club and a spade, oh and you just have to accept that its totally normal.

11. Physical attraction is critical but you have to remember everybody gets old and wrinkly. Therefore, attraction should be primarily be based on the persons values and their personality from the onset. This way you both are more likely to become more attractive to each other as you grow old together.

12. Love, roses, attraction affection and relationships are not immune to issues, arguments, and disagreements. The relationships which last are simply the ones who work out how to work through it, no matter how long it takes or how unpleasant it may be.

13. You will never be completely in love with every single aspect of your significant other. Of course, most of their quirks will be irresistible, some will drive you up the wall and make you scream. What is important is that you love them as a whole person, without trying to change them into a flawless, ideal and ‘perfect’ partner (who will never exist).

14. It’s easy to be in love when things are simple; it’s harder to be in love and stay in love when it feels as if every part of your life is an effort and a struggle. But as strange as it may sound, in relationships you become much closer when you go through shitty times together, as opposed to the uncomplicated phases of life.

15. It’s normal to love someone very deeply but to sometimes not like them.

16. Harsh as it may sound, you will never be completely fulfilled by another person. They can make you feel whole, loved, and happy. But its is not not at all possible to find the real meaning and purpose of your life within them – they can form a part of your life, but they are not the answer to it entirely. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness first before they can share that happiness with you.

17. Sometimes, loving your partner will not be effortless. It will take work and energy but don’t be under the illusion that this makes your relationship a failure. On the contrary, it makes you both real and human.

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

Emotions

I love my life and I love myself. I am happy within my own skin and I know very few people who can say this without either flinching or avoiding the question. In my line of work I see so many patients who really are quite disturbed by their actual self and cannot function without negativity in almost every sentence they say. There’s the anxiety of becoming old and losing the full functionality of their body as well as their minds. Then there’s the chronic fear of loneliness, abandonment and isolation from friends and family who either live further afield or have passed away due to ill-health. The loss importance is another theme that often arises in conversation. Many of my old dear patients feel so unimportant despite their knowledge and vast life experience. They couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, a large part of my life has been built on the foundations of having acquaintance with people who are often 20-30 years older than me at least. However, society really does not have any space for them or any useful and meaningful role which they can continue to play and live a more fulfilling and satisfying quality of life. It’s a sad situation and a real loss for society despite the abundance of this resource of knowledge and experience.

It’s not just the elderly that feel this way, its younger adults too. I witnessed something today which is not only rare but also dangerous. A senior member of staff and a psychiatrist argued like children to the point where the entire situation became toxic. It ended with the psychiatrist storming out in tears accusing the other member of staff of assault. Did the assault occur? I honestly don’t know and my view was blocked therefore I couldn’t see. Personally however, I really don’t believe my colleague was or even is capable of assaulting anyone. The psychiatrist really felt threatened by the behaviour and attitude of senior member of staff. This threat I believe was fuelled by her underlying issues, her vulnerability rather than the behaviour of the senior member of staff actually behaving in a threatening manner. She screams and leaves the office. Emotions were really running very high and my head was spinning from all the negativity in the room. I went after the psychiatrist who was now more vulnerable than I had ever seen since her arrival to the team almost three weeks ago. I followed her because no one ran after me when I felt threatened or vulnerable. She wears a happy-go-lucky attitude, a smile plastered on her face almost too easily, laughing and joking with the team. Her work ethic is strong, she oozes knowledge and expertise and completing clinical practice diligently with patient care at the centre of her practice. Yet this is an individual who is extremely vulnerable. The positive suit she wears is fake, behind which she carries a great deal of pain, hurt and damage. A heartbreaking observation to see her pathetic attempts at trying to win the acceptance of her colleagues and the only means by which she feels she can achieve this is put across a front which is so transparent. The psychiatrists position does not reflect her inner state of mind, one which is of chaos and confusion. She returned to the office composing herself.

Everyone is fighting their own battle, in one way of another yet we are just unable to see it because we are so engrossed in our own battles. This self-consuming disease of distress and pain has driven us to become ignorant of those around us. We have financial issues, family issues, personal identity issues to name but a few. We become so engrossed in the struggle to get something me we want to have become complacent. No one wishes to maintain an acceptable level of control over their emotions and fight their own battles privately perhaps due to a lack of knowledge on how to or the mere fact that the emotions are overwhelming.

As humans, if we are all carrying such negativity and stress around with us then what would make it easier for us? What is the one thing that would change the way you feel at one particular moment. The psychiatrist said to me she was grateful that I had come after her to encourage her to come back into the office. Another has said thank you for just being there while she just swears and screams. Another just wanting a hand while she has a panic attack. There was no judgment, there was no back biting and no break of trust. I was just there and such incidents don’t come up again in conversation, particularly from my side. I have come to realise that allowing someone to just vent their feelings at one particular point is so important and so vital to the individuals mental well-being.

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? We know how they feel when we feel them, so why do we ignore them when others around us feel the same?

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

A Message

A messages has arrived;
It troubles me
A letter has come
It asks,
When will you return home?
Write to me, oh my loved one, when will you come home?
For without you, this home is soulless, empty

A lover, a lady has written a letter,
When is you return home?
For this home is empty, lifeless without you
They all ask, when will you return home?
The scented dawns, the riotous evenings,
The lonely nights, the flowers in her hair,
The incomplete words, the yearning embraces,
and the longing glances have all asked
When shall you return?
for without you this home is empty, lifeless without you.

A messages has arrived;
It troubles me
A letter has come
It asks,
When will you return home?
Write to me, oh my loved one, when will you come home?
For without you, this home is soulless, empty

The lover writes;
The towns, the shadows of the willow trees,
The old park bench, the rain showering down,
The fields of poppy, the town squares,
The ocher climbers, the twisting vines,
The rocking swings, the swaying flowers,
The bursting blossoms, and the lanes of the towns ask
When shall you return?
for without you this home is empty, lifeless without you.

The message has arrived,
Written with love in her eyes, words burstings with affection, with sentiment.
A tenderness, a warmth, a concern, a passion,
Sometimes Outwardly in anger, sometimes inwardly in love
In every word my lover asks,
When will you return home?
Write to me, oh my loved one, when will you come home?
For without you, this home is soulless, empty

Oh passing wind, in your arms carry my embrace to my lover
Quicken to my town, where the twisting vines await,
Quicken to my town with the swaying flowers,
Quicken to my lane with the shadows of the willows tress call out,
Quicken to my lane where by beloved resides
Give embrace to her, give her my love, give her my touch.
Tell her I love her so
Tell her I shall return one day

Memory

I am a Rock

Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?

I am a rock, or so I have been told today by a colleague who had a severe panic attack following an altercation with a fellow colleague in the office. We stand outside while she puffs away vigorously at her cigarette hurling obscenities at our colleague. I stand, watch and listen while offering what I believe to be very little in terms of support. kneeling down to her level, I comfort her and direct her attention away from her state of panic. I encourage her to breathe slowly and slow her pressured speech. My perseverance prevails. She began to breathe slower, speech returning to normal. Tears still roll down her eyes but she is calmer. She hold my hand. I feel the panic in her hand, it shakes, its clammy and cold. She looks at me, indicating that she is ready to return. I see her eyes. There is gratitude and there is relief too. So we walk back to the office, my colleague with red puffy eyes and a sombre look on her face. Angry, frustrated and tired. She links her arm in mine, and hold on tight with her head bowed. I walk in, eyes staring at me like I’ve just dragged in an alien. ‘Thank you’, she said again as we sit down, ‘you have been my rock today, I really do not how I could have managed the situation. I’m here if you ever need me’, she said; ‘do not be afraid to ask for support when you need it’. I was grateful for the gratitude and the hand in support offered to me.

I’ve been dwelling on the entire event ever since. The words echo in my head ‘do not be afraid to ask for support when you need it’. The truth is there was a period of time in my life where I relied heavily on most people around me for everything, particularly emotional support. Unfortunately despite relying on the person, there has been a lack of emotional or any other kind of support there. Slowly and eventually I have learnt to rely on myself heavily and make myself more self-sufficient particularly emotionally. It’s difficult to ask for help and support at a low point in your life only to be turned away or be let down. When asking for help, it is highly likely that you may already be struggling which may be making you feel slight vulnerable or outside of your comfort zone, but to then be ridiculed or to be brushed aside, is not really worth it?

Although it’s not hard for me to ask for help when needed, I usually prefer to rely on myself. To me its, taking full responsibility for the situation and an opportunity to learn something. In order to be a rock, I need to be a rock myself and yes its OK to sometimes say I really don’t know what I’m doing and feel almost isolated but its a lot easier than disappointment. When such situations arise, I take the back seat, reflect and try to make sense of it all. It’s important for me to know and accept that some things are out of my control and punishing myself over it or looking for a solution is often not an option. As a ‘rock’ I’m able to empower myself with the experiences of others and learn. It’s important for me not to take things personally or to heart. This is what helps me, this is what sustains me and for me life is full of moments when you must be your own rock your own saviour. Its most definitely worth it and its fulfilling.

I place myself in the periphery of a group and try to help others according to my capabilities. When tired, I can take a break, no one really notices I’m taking it. When I’ve had a rest, I go and be useful again. I don’t ask for anything in return, I just enjoy being a part of the scene. I don’t aim high, I just be helpful. In this way, no one wants from me more than I am capable of giving and also I don’t feel “used”. I find my happiness there.

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Ending

The pain does not stop
It remains as alive as the air in the lungs

A strong pounding, a slicing cut to the core
It does not cease with no horizon in sight
As the darkness deepens, so does this anguish
The words of criticism, disgust and contempt come at the speed of light 
Each word destroying all traces of hope and aspiration
No one listens, no one hears, no one sees and no one cares
It’s all coming to an end and a smile emerges
Soon there will be freedom
No worries to engulf the mind and no  people to call our own
Tears mock the sadness within and loneliness dances in joy
Time at a standstill, life lapses slowly
A soulless creature, a cheap being no longer needed
Dragged through the corridors of hell 
There is no scream there is no sorrow, but a numbness which fills a void
A nothing will soon arise 
Soon there will be silence
Soon there will be an ending

A Rage

The fire rages on, a shining blue in colour
The heat intensifying with every move, every though
Its silence deadly and deep
Tension and pressure surrounding its walls
A volcano burning, poisoning its own habitat
A sinking of a good heart, vermin clouding all conscious awareness
Bottomless rage ignitable by the wind
This wrath, the enemy of love, understanding, trust and respect
Destroying all elements of hope
Leaving behind a sad, lonesome emptiness
Like the rain, fall the burning droplets of rage
Unpredictable and uncontrollable
A feeling of despair, disappointment and failure
A burning butterfly, an innocent victim of injustice
Overwhelming in nature, yet rage so weak in nature
The realisation of being weak and powerless
Injustice fuelling this rage
Powerlessness fuelling this anger
An endless vicious circle of breaking, crumbling and destroying
Hurting words, painful memories which cannot be reversed
This rage, a sudden eruption of a volcano
Splashing agony and pain in all directions
The beginning of an all extinguishing inferno,
Entire worlds will be destroyed, an inextinguishable rage
Rage. Uncontrollable. Unpredictable. Inextinguishable.
A rage polished and masked with a smile and a nod,
Varnished into an illusion. Pain unnoticeable. Grief immeasurable.
Best Wishes,
Maahi PM