A reason to live 

The only reason I choose to stay alive is so my family doesn’t live with the devastation of my suicide. My pain is not more than the life long pain they would live with. 

Best wishes, 

Maahi PM 

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Emotions

I love my life and I love myself. I am happy within my own skin and I know very few people who can say this without either flinching or avoiding the question. In my line of work I see so many patients who really are quite disturbed by their actual self and cannot function without negativity in almost every sentence they say. There’s the anxiety of becoming old and losing the full functionality of their body as well as their minds. Then there’s the chronic fear of loneliness, abandonment and isolation from friends and family who either live further afield or have passed away due to ill-health. The loss importance is another theme that often arises in conversation. Many of my old dear patients feel so unimportant despite their knowledge and vast life experience. They couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, a large part of my life has been built on the foundations of having acquaintance with people who are often 20-30 years older than me at least. However, society really does not have any space for them or any useful and meaningful role which they can continue to play and live a more fulfilling and satisfying quality of life. It’s a sad situation and a real loss for society despite the abundance of this resource of knowledge and experience.

It’s not just the elderly that feel this way, its younger adults too. I witnessed something today which is not only rare but also dangerous. A senior member of staff and a psychiatrist argued like children to the point where the entire situation became toxic. It ended with the psychiatrist storming out in tears accusing the other member of staff of assault. Did the assault occur? I honestly don’t know and my view was blocked therefore I couldn’t see. Personally however, I really don’t believe my colleague was or even is capable of assaulting anyone. The psychiatrist really felt threatened by the behaviour and attitude of senior member of staff. This threat I believe was fuelled by her underlying issues, her vulnerability rather than the behaviour of the senior member of staff actually behaving in a threatening manner. She screams and leaves the office. Emotions were really running very high and my head was spinning from all the negativity in the room. I went after the psychiatrist who was now more vulnerable than I had ever seen since her arrival to the team almost three weeks ago. I followed her because no one ran after me when I felt threatened or vulnerable. She wears a happy-go-lucky attitude, a smile plastered on her face almost too easily, laughing and joking with the team. Her work ethic is strong, she oozes knowledge and expertise and completing clinical practice diligently with patient care at the centre of her practice. Yet this is an individual who is extremely vulnerable. The positive suit she wears is fake, behind which she carries a great deal of pain, hurt and damage. A heartbreaking observation to see her pathetic attempts at trying to win the acceptance of her colleagues and the only means by which she feels she can achieve this is put across a front which is so transparent. The psychiatrists position does not reflect her inner state of mind, one which is of chaos and confusion. She returned to the office composing herself.

Everyone is fighting their own battle, in one way of another yet we are just unable to see it because we are so engrossed in our own battles. This self-consuming disease of distress and pain has driven us to become ignorant of those around us. We have financial issues, family issues, personal identity issues to name but a few. We become so engrossed in the struggle to get something me we want to have become complacent. No one wishes to maintain an acceptable level of control over their emotions and fight their own battles privately perhaps due to a lack of knowledge on how to or the mere fact that the emotions are overwhelming.

As humans, if we are all carrying such negativity and stress around with us then what would make it easier for us? What is the one thing that would change the way you feel at one particular moment. The psychiatrist said to me she was grateful that I had come after her to encourage her to come back into the office. Another has said thank you for just being there while she just swears and screams. Another just wanting a hand while she has a panic attack. There was no judgment, there was no back biting and no break of trust. I was just there and such incidents don’t come up again in conversation, particularly from my side. I have come to realise that allowing someone to just vent their feelings at one particular point is so important and so vital to the individuals mental well-being.

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? We know how they feel when we feel them, so why do we ignore them when others around us feel the same?

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Ending

The pain does not stop
It remains as alive as the air in the lungs

A strong pounding, a slicing cut to the core
It does not cease with no horizon in sight
As the darkness deepens, so does this anguish
The words of criticism, disgust and contempt come at the speed of light 
Each word destroying all traces of hope and aspiration
No one listens, no one hears, no one sees and no one cares
It’s all coming to an end and a smile emerges
Soon there will be freedom
No worries to engulf the mind and no  people to call our own
Tears mock the sadness within and loneliness dances in joy
Time at a standstill, life lapses slowly
A soulless creature, a cheap being no longer needed
Dragged through the corridors of hell 
There is no scream there is no sorrow, but a numbness which fills a void
A nothing will soon arise 
Soon there will be silence
Soon there will be an ending

A Rage

The fire rages on, a shining blue in colour
The heat intensifying with every move, every though
Its silence deadly and deep
Tension and pressure surrounding its walls
A volcano burning, poisoning its own habitat
A sinking of a good heart, vermin clouding all conscious awareness
Bottomless rage ignitable by the wind
This wrath, the enemy of love, understanding, trust and respect
Destroying all elements of hope
Leaving behind a sad, lonesome emptiness
Like the rain, fall the burning droplets of rage
Unpredictable and uncontrollable
A feeling of despair, disappointment and failure
A burning butterfly, an innocent victim of injustice
Overwhelming in nature, yet rage so weak in nature
The realisation of being weak and powerless
Injustice fuelling this rage
Powerlessness fuelling this anger
An endless vicious circle of breaking, crumbling and destroying
Hurting words, painful memories which cannot be reversed
This rage, a sudden eruption of a volcano
Splashing agony and pain in all directions
The beginning of an all extinguishing inferno,
Entire worlds will be destroyed, an inextinguishable rage
Rage. Uncontrollable. Unpredictable. Inextinguishable.
A rage polished and masked with a smile and a nod,
Varnished into an illusion. Pain unnoticeable. Grief immeasurable.
Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Sometimes

Every heart holds some form of pain.
Only the way it is expressed is different
Fools hide it in their eyes,
While the brilliant hide it in
Their smile…..

Sometimes I wish I could speak the words of my heart, all the anger, all the happiness, and all the pain. It’s such a liberating feeling to have, sometimes creating a unique reaction which is not achievable at any other moment in life. Sometimes all we need is an opportunity, to express, to offload and to feel whatever it is that we are holding onto so tightly without the fear of judgement or loss or advice. We need a listening ear, not a problem solver. Many circumstances don’t disappear at the blink of an eye; some linger for extended periods of time and having the confidence, resilience and perseverance to carry on as if all is normal take a great amount of courage; whether it is happiness or pain. The individual alone is fully aware of the current state of affairs, we can only image, listen and attempt to comprehend what they are experiencing. Sometimes all you want is for people to see your smile, the happiness, your current state of mind rather than any of the pain you may be hiding and vice versa. Sometimes you just want to cry; for all the helpless moments, for all the times when you were eternally grateful, for the times you were successful at something deemed otherwise. Sometimes we run, sometimes we hide and sometimes we are frightened but all in all we just need time and reassurance. Sometimes we question our motives. Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. Sometimes we go quiet without understanding why, our minds blank as if a piece is missing. In life sometimes you feel lost, frustrated and sometimes it break all the hope and the thoughts you drew. Sometimes sorry is not enough and sometimes you live without regret.

Best Wishes,
Maahi PM

Vanish

I want to disappear
I want to vanish
To be away from all this anguish
To to free of this pain

My mind consumed by confusion
My heart filled with hurt
Eyes searching
Faith breaking

I want to be invisible
I want to be gone
Protect myself from this hollow world
Guard my dreams from scattering

The smile on my face eradicated
My soul trapped in despair
Tortured desires
Mistreated human

I want to fade away
I want to evaporate
To stop this crippling hurt
To survive

I want to escape
I want to vanish

Freedom

She is seated on a park bench,
Her breathing: shallow and rapid,
Her body: shivering with anger,
Hot droplets of sweat dripping from her brow,
Thoughts come at the speed of lightening.

Happiness, a faint memory of feelings extinct,
Replaced instead with a turbulent struggling soul,
Tears streaming, war raging, heart beating, still surviving.

Her vision blurred, her objective clear,
Anticipation, a distant distraction,
A glistening momentary clam, a release,
Stillness.

Unleashed is the frustration.
Unleashed is the pain.
Unleashed is the anger.

The warmth is calming,
It is comforting and silent,
She is smiling,
For finally she has freedom.

Heavenly Daydream

If you could read my mind

you would realise the way I feel about you.

Moments and seconds of pure adoration,

adoration for you.

Feelings that you have thrown across my heart,

deep-felt wishes to be in your presence.

I long to be with you, hold you,

to feel you close to me.

Your voice soothing away the choking fears,

casting the tones for my daydreams,

dreams about the valleys and meadows of love.

Scattering the essence of the my thoughts,

one soft spoken word, a smile and I am lost,

lost in your world, floating in harmony.

You walked the pathway to my heart,

leaving footprints of engaging emotion.

Brittle footsteps of young love,

an inspiration to daily living.

On the breath of the wind I hear your name,

gently whispered by mother nature,

The care I feel, and the care that

I share for you is true. I trust you know this.

©PurpleMystique 2012

 

As Long As You Remember

Remember the time when

things were sweet and new…

Hold them close to your heart

and they will never depart…

You will smile and realize… that

they are really not gone..…

For as long as you can remember…

your dream…..hopes.… and love

shared….. you are never alone…

When days pass too quickly…..

and the nights seem to fade your

days of love and hope are yours

and can’t be taken away…..

They are yours and mine to

Remember and hold… my dear…

©PurpleMystique 2012