A reason to live 

The only reason I choose to stay alive is so my family doesn’t live with the devastation of my suicide. My pain is not more than the life long pain they would live with. 

Best wishes, 

Maahi PM 

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A Day…..

A day without her – Fun

A week without her – Tiring

A month without her – Sad

A year without her – Lonely

A life without her – Curse

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

 

Daily Prompt: Gone

Via Daily Prompt: Gone

A few short stories in relation to today’s daily prompt. Somewhere hidden within the text is a sense of something being gone or lost. I find that the word gone itself is very empty with little to offer in terms of emotion.

The Wi-Fi was fine and good 
It was I who had no connections left

“You really mean the world to be my darling!”
This was the birthday text that was sent.
Blue ticks. It’s been read. No reply.
The heart sank. I understood, someone else has taken the place. 

Somewhere between yesterday’s shadow and 
Somewhere between tomorrow’s insecurities 
We end up ruining today’s happiness.

Sooner or later, 
We all come to realise that being a 
Child was the best thing ever.

“Can you live without him?” her friend asked.
“No, but I would rather let him fly than break his wings.”

They both cried endlessly.
One had to forget and move on, 
The other regretted letting go. 

Somewhere between parents expectations and society’s interference, dreams died. 

Take me back in time when people and emotions were real.
Take me to my childhood….

Somewhere between “I want to grow up” and 
“I want to be a child again”, Life happened.

 

Best Wishes,

Maahi PM

Hibernation

I’ve gone into what I call Hibernation mode currently. The emotional turmoil and roller coaster rides over everyday life have pushed me into a state of silence. There is so much happening at the moment that it’s getting to the stage where although I know what is wrong and right, I reframe from speaking out. I have often found that secluding myself from the real world and retreating to my own internal systems, I have found peace. Its allowed me to reflect on what can be achieved and what is currently out of control. There’s no point in fighting something that you have very little control over, its tears away the energy that you have for daily living.

A lot of people around me have their own issues and problems to deal with and its amazing how caught up they become with them and lack the ability to see, understand or even accept that often their own issues are much smaller than they believe them to be. Many of them attempt to control situations and people yet they don’t seem to understand that nothing can really be controlled, its our own attitude that gives us the sense of control and the sense of a lack of control. As humans we fail to understand our own limitations, yet we are quick to judge the limitations of others. There is nothing wrong in admitting you are wrong sometimes or that you have made a mistake or failed, yet the only obstacle that prevents us from expressing this ‘weakness’ is our ego, and of course our pride. Those who are in hibernation like myself often I find have a lot of self-awareness about themselves as well as those around them, however, this is often seen as arrogance and being uptight. Have you looked at their behaviour? Have you listened to their words and their tone of voice? Probably not. The hibernators are often viewed as the quiet ones, the ones without a voice or those who lack the ability to speak out and stand up for what is right fully theirs or an injustice against them.

So what is it about hibernation and hibernators which makes them different? Well, from a personal perspective, hibernators have the ability to be patient in stressful situations. They realise there is no point arguing with an individual that does not wish to understand, this a futile task which will rid both parties of emotional and mental energy. This patience is key; it gives both parties the opportunity to think but who thinks beyond the situation is dependant on who can remain calm and objective. Hibernation give you the real sense of control that people long for so dearly in their daily lives. During the phase of hibernation, I reflect on the situation in which I am in, I take control of all the natural emotions that may have arisen as a direct consequence of my circumstances. The process of taking control of these emotions is often the longest task purely because emotions are so natural and controlling them can be a difficult task, particularly when the circumstances dictate an emotional reaction. During this stage, I don’t dismiss the emotion, it’s not feasible or natural; instead I accept and feel it. To feel means it allows you to be natural, but feelings it doesn’t necessarily mean I express it. This is the nature of hibernation, it allows you the internal space and time to feel some very strong emotions yet be in total control of them. While feeling them I have the ability to put things into perspective, see how they fit the situation, judge if it’s an over reaction, and finally see how well I’ll be able to tame the emotion. Very often our immediate emotional reaction can be just that, emotional and this is perfectly normal as far as I’m concerned and its acceptable to a certain degree; as long as we aren’t physically, emotionally or mentally hurting anyone. Yet it is this emotional reaction that can blind us from reality and prevent us from viewing things in a rational manner. We can end up saying or even doing things which we can later regret and feel guilty for but are powerless to change it. Why allow that situation to occur? Taking control of them works for me, it allows me to give myself the opportunity to explore options through a clear mind. It put me in control of how I manage the situation because my initial reaction can often be incoherent. The self-reflection and the opportunity to cool down and approach it with a calm manner gives me a counter opportunity to approach it with an open mind. There are no situations where I can be 100% ready and I may have the residue of my emotional reaction but nevertheless, at least there is some level of control there that I can manage. Yes, opportunities allow me to grow and they give me the chance to learn new things about life in general as well as about myself because it really does take me outside of my comfort zone. I cannot learn, understand or acquire any form of knowledge without approaching any situation with an open mind. Hibernation is not denying your emotions or feelings or pain and hurt or even your happiness and joy, it’s just being able to stay composed but natural to your own self.

There is no specific time or place for me to hibernate, I can do it anywhere at anytime and the beauty of it I find it that it goes undetected even by those around me. It says a lot about their observation skills. I don’t necessarily need my favourite things around me, music and books helps me of course but very often its just quietness and an inward reflection. It’s also about putting things into perspective and ensuring that I know what my position is and what role I am to play too. I find that sometimes just a 10 minute retreat can help and sometimes a prolonged retreat works just as well. It really is dependant on what the circumstances are. What I do know is that I do need both long and short hibernating periods, and a key to both of these is to listen to by own body and spirit. My body, spirit and heart let me know when its time to hibernate and take a break and over time I have learnt to feel and read the signs and accurately attune myself to them.

It wasn’t so long ago that I found myself in an endless emotional cycle where a particular circumstance has had a great impact on my heart and I have neither been able to retreat or express. I’ve wallowed in self pity instead of work on the emotion and learning from experience. An unproductive task. As I have said previously, there is great difference between feeling a particular emotion and allowing it to overwhelm you to the point of wallowing. I have found that its pointless ignoring or denying a particular feeling, instead the importance lies in understanding it through feeling it and gradually moving through it. Any type of unprocessed feelings become apart of me and this can often lead to bitterness. Unhealthy.

Leading with emotion is not always bad as with most things in life, I have found a good balance is what is really needed. Any situation which dictates a black and white answer often hinders my own development. Life is a varied shade of grey and reasons are often embedded within what happens. It’s up to us to try to look for an answer which is the truth and not just something which suits are needs or desires. Our emotional state does, however dictate how we interpret things which occur in our life. The mere approach can have a totally different outcome. This is down to our choice: if we choose to be ignorant, arrogant and walk the journey of life with an attitude and ego, sooner or later it will catch us out in a situation where we really will feel powerless and out of control. The destination of not only our present situation but our life too is determined entirely by our approach to it. With hibernation, some lessons will come quickly while other will require time and space. Ask yourself, what is your agenda? What is your current state of mind achieving for you? What are your intention and are these intension being portrayed in a clear and honest manner? My life has been and still is full of lots of twists and turns, but its my approach and my attitude which will determine where my next move will be and the consequences of it too. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about accepting that you and other around you have flaws. When we punish ourselves and others for their flaws we deny them the opportunity to be human. We fail in our ability to see and understand human nature and expecting other to conform to our own ideas of behaviour is often an endless pit of suffering, not more so for the opposite person but more so for ourselves. We are the ones who are failing ourselves tremendously.

We must open our minds to our intentions and to the portrayal of these intentions because no matter how pure, if they involve another person, it is for them to decide what is most appropriate for them before us. The more I hibernate, the more I want to understand myself at a deeper level, it forces me to ask myself why I am doing things in a certain manner and the reasons behind it. It forces me to re-evaluate my own agenda and intentions. I’m a key player in my own life, I interact with both internal as well as my external life. It makes my life rich and worthy. I relish in the beauty of it, it has joy and sure there is pain and hurt too but through the pain I have given myself the opportunity to grow and acquire knowledge and experience life for what it really it. It’s an opportunity to pass on the good as well as the bad and most of all, to pass on hope, hope that life really will work our for the best. My expansion in the awareness of who I am and who I am supposed to be shapes my as a person.

For me, 2013 is proving to be very unique, fast, troublesome as well as exciting all at the same time.  But the biggest reminder that all these times are giving me is that I should and will continue to live by my heart. All I have needed to do is open it up, air it out of all the negativity, let the blood pump through it at its steady pace and trust that this is the new direction, a new journey of hope and one full of wonderful experiences and lessons to come.

Best wishes,

Maahi PM